You Can Learn a Lot from Dating Profile Names – Jill Kimmel


Oh, my god. Has anyone else
had a rough year? I had a really rough
year this last year. I went through a divorce and
I had to put my dog to sleep. [sympathetic noises]
Right. I always get a bigger
reaction for the dog. Always. Apparently you’ve all
met my ex-husband. OK. But divorce, there’s
mixed emotions. No one goes into
a marriage going, one day I’ll be divorced. You don’t do that. And so like, I ran into
an old family friend. She was like, heard
about the divorce. What are you going to do now? I was like, everything. And everyone. I don’t know what
you’re saying to me. Just like, ugh! I don’t want to do that. Like, at my age, like,
dating again, ugh! It’s the worst, you know? And it’s like, I don’t look
as good as my friends do. I grew up in Las Vegas. So they are what we call Vegas
girls, all of my friends. In Vegas everything is being
renovated at all times, including the women. And, like, my friends have
boobs, they’re, like, up here, and they’re bikini-ready
at all times. (VALLEY GIRL VOICE)
They’re in high heels, and their hair is blown,
and they’re always like, oh my god, it’s so
good to see you. (NORMAL VOICE) And you’re like,
what did you do to your mouth? They’re like, nothing! I mean, I didn’t
have, like, surgery. Just, like, Botox and
injections and fillers and Restylane and
the Kylie Jenner lip challenge and I sell LipSense
now, do you want to buy some? I’m like, you look like you’re
smelling shit right now. Like, I am not that girl. I am very low-maintenance. Like, I just cannot be– like,
my boobs are like balloons eight days after a party. They just, like, hang out. Sometimes they get cold. They’re like, what are
you guys doing out there? Anybody doing anything? You guys doing stuff out there? I just can’t be
bothered with all that. I go to Vegas and
it’s hard for me, because my friends
look like you. Amazing. And I’m like a four and a half. Sucks. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! OK, that was borderline rude. Borderline rude back there. Just saying. But like, I travel
for work a lot. And when I’m in Albuquerque,
I’m damn near an eight. Thank you! Thank you. Yes. It’s all about that, man. It’s just weird. Because like, you go
on a dating website, and you have to
put in, like, what you’re looking for in a guy. And you go, I don’t know. Maybe, like, they can’t smoke
because I’m allergic to it. They have to like dogs,
they have to like kids, but they can’t have
any of their own. If they do, the
mother has to be dead. You know, that important stuff. Put it all in, all the
parameters you’re looking for. And it comes up and it’s
like, you’ve got 100% match. You’re like, oh my god. Super excited. You open it up, it’s a
picture of a unicorn. Wh– what? And look, I know there’s
good guys out there. There are good husbands,
and they’re good fathers, and they tell you’re beautiful,
and they take you shopping, and they are called homosexuals. And God bless them. God bless them. And you look at
these guys online and you would think
you’d have to deep dive into their profile to see
what kind of pieces of garbage they are. Oh, no. Just look at their profile name. It will tell you everything
you need to know. Everything. One guy, his name was
“Don’t Waste My Time.” I was like, OK. I will not waste your time. Another guy was “D Fucks Hard.” And this guy was a
six-foot-eight black guy. I was like, you know what? I bet he does. It was weird, though, you know. After so many years of, like,
being married and just kind of letting things go,
I knew I was going to be back in the dating world. I was like, I’ve got to
do something for myself. So I’ve lost over 109 pounds
in the last couple years. Thank you. And you know, you learn
who your real friends are when you go through,
like, a major change in your life like that. Like, my mom, always honest. My mom is there. She’s the one. She’s like, listen, I love that
you lost the weight, but maybe not the tank tops just yet. Because I have this thing. I’ve got that. I can’t afford surgery
to get rid of that. But you know what I can afford? A tattoo of the American flag. That’s right. (SINGING)
Oh, say, can you see? I’m Jill Kimmel. You guys have been awesome. Thank you, thank
you for having me.

32 Replies to “You Can Learn a Lot from Dating Profile Names – Jill Kimmel”

  1. A mom or a middle school kid?
    Good luck on the fun after your divorce! Knock it out the park!
    1:52 Kevin Hart, you silly.
    3:49 We all got that. Who cares. You are still pretty.

  2. 😎 I have no student loan debts no children I enjoyed my twenties I am enjoying my thirties I sleep in on weekdays

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